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As I sat this morning and read through this blog post it was exactly what I needed to hear. Many points made in the blog hit me in all the right places. There are several things in my life right now that have me either bewildered or feel like I was given a road I didn't want to take. I must confess that my heart felt much like Ebenezer Scrooge ('ba hum bug!) at the thought of the season and especially hearing Christmas music in retail stores in October! I know that I am the recipient of prayers sent-as quickly as a dear friend shared she was praying for me, God had already started working in my thoughts and my heart. It's good not to be alone on the journey. Life has not been easy and unfortunately my immediate circumstances have prevented me from being an active part of a bigger faith community. I can't count the number of times I've asked the Lord how this makes any sense since the Bible clearly instructs believers to stay in 'community'.
I think the biggest and most obvious twist in my life has been the sudden and unexpected death of Braden. It is completely ironic. I was 'done' having children after Evan (now 8) was born. Having an extremely needy autistic child along with two others felt like I was managing a dozen kids at once. There were many ups and downs and several challenges with our school district to get them to provide the support that Alex (my 'Aspie' now 13) needed. Then the continual struggle to attend church one morning a week with not a lot of compassion or assistance from our faith 'community' just about became the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It felt like I was in the middle of a huge storm and I recall falling asleep in tears crying out to God for mercy and deliverance-especially on Alex's behalf as I was vaguely aware of the abuse he was undergoing at school from staff who had no business holding a teaching license. Then when that school nightmare was just about over, I learned I was suddenly 'pregnant'. I was in shock. I couldn't understand any part of it-what part of our lives did God not see or understand. I mean how in the world was I supposed to continue managing the needs that I had only to be caring for a new baby? It made no sense. However, I was very thankful and excited. Things seemed to have calmed down and life was moving along until my four month ultrasound.
That's when it felt like someone had dropped a nuclear bomb on my heart. Going into an ultrasound you don't expect to hear bad news, especially the news we received. The medical staff promptly told us that Braden had fluid on his brain-and not just a little-A LOT. They sat us down following the ultrasound to fulfill their professional obligation to encourage us to strongly consider the 'options.' They didn't delay in giving us the worst case scenario possible-everything from he won't walk, talk and will be severely retarded. They were convinced it was a genetic disorder (which I found out later in talking with a friend of a friend who also had a baby with similar condition and went to the same hospital for her ultrasound that must have been the diagnosis 'de jour' of 2008). We were firm with the doctor that we would never consider abortion and we would have this baby.
After a few days home and a few dozen prayer requests sent out, I attempted to start a blog. I spent a few hours each day trying to learn all I could online. I was so encouraged by the moms who had been given even worse diagnoses and their testimonies of how their children turned out. I felt I was finally turning a corner. I had even managed to have Cranial Sacral Therapy during my pregnancy in hopes that it would change Braden's condition. It didn't change his condition but it did change mine. I will never forget getting off the table and feeling so full of joy that it lasted for two whole days. My storm cloud of emotions was gone. During the remainder of my pregnancy I had to be closely monitored and had to have a birth plan that included a pediatric Neurologist and Neuro Surgeon and an NICU. I had to undergo several more ultrasounds to continue to monitor his growth and what was going on inside his little noggin. I came to really like one physician in my clinic who did an amazing job of telling me that Braden's head size was full term at seven months but it wasn't grossly huge like many babies with the same condition. We made plans to deliver him at 38 weeks but that's not what happened.
At the next office ultrasound appointment another doctor met with me and was insisting that I deliver him in the next few days despite what others doctors in the practice had informed me. I went home upset and called the clinic to talk to the head doctor, who was out, BUT the previous doctor I had seen was in and went ahead and cancelled the delivery. Things settled down a bit until Logan contracted Fifth's Disease. Since I had been exposed, I told the doctor at my next appointment and was screened for it. Sure enough, I had the disease but was told it wouldn't make much difference at that stage of my pregnancy. So in planning a mid-July delivery I felt I had plenty of time to get ready for Braden as we celebrated the Fourth of July. Um no......WRONG! Saturday July 5th I was planning to go to the mall to look for a robe but felt really tired. Alan had started painting the deck railing. I decided to lay on the couch while the kids watched a movie. Well, as I turned over it felt like I had to go to the bathroom and well-ended up jumping off the couch, running for the bathroom. Yup, baby decided he was coming that day. After making a hurried phone call to my brother to get him to the house to stay with the boys, Alan rushed to throw things in a bag and get me to the hospital. I was pretty pleased that the doctor on call had been the one I really liked. The labor and delivery went fine and expecting a ventilator and other medical machinery, Braden didn't need any of it.
His growth and development far exceeded any human doctor's expectations. He was an amazing, loving, and funny little boy. I think my mom said it best the week that he went to heaven-that he came unexpectedly and left just the same. During his short time with us, life took a small detour. I finally found a church that was able to embrace all my children and one in which I felt I personally could grow. I have not been able yet to connect within the church community as I would like, but that is on my 'to do' list. Life changed in other ways for me as well. I no longer have the daily fellowship and friendship with an amazing and godly young woman. I also have had the unfortunate experience of losing another friendship this year. It's still something I struggle with as this person has failed to see how much hurt and confusion they brought to my life. I am trying to figure out the 'what's next?' part of my life. When you aren't sure what to do next, Elisabeth Eliot says "do the next thing." I'm still trying to figure that out as I muddle through each day. I had started helping my sister in-law out at her office a few days a week. However, my kids have had all kinds of injuries and illness this fall that prevented me from going in every week on a consistent basis. I was given the rest of the year 'off' the week of Thanksgiving when my parents were in town visiting. I'm just waiting to see how things will change once the new year begins.
It's amazing how quickly life changes from one year to the next.
