I have found it incredibly challenging to stay committed to regular postings on our blog. I'm sure everyone understands how busy life gets with multiple kids in the house! Since Christmas, Logan has been involved in a church basketball league. Alan and Logan are gone three nights of the week (two for basketball games and practice and one night for boys' Stockade program-like Cub Scouts). Evan joins the two of them Wednesday nights for Stockade. We've also continued to have regular after school therapy appointments and had to attend a meeting for Logan's transition to junior high school next fall. And when I'm not busy with appointments, I'm doing home therapy with at least one of the kids.
I have not returned to working for my sister in law's chiropractic clinic. I've been home while the kids are in school since late last November. I made some decisions in December to focus on myself and my own personal growth. I joined an inexpensive fitness club mid-January to get regular exercise and help reduce stress. On average I go three times a week for over an hour each time. In addition to exercise, I also joined a Tuesday morning Bible Study at my church. I am completely enjoying it and getting so much from it, especially since the study guide has five days work of 'homework' to complete between each large group session.
I also continue to self educate on my new passion-the brain and it's awesome capacity to continue to develop and strengthen (neuroplasticity). I have learned so much from all the classes I've taken on behalf of Alex's home based therapy programs and continue to receive ongoing mentoring from his amazing therapists. My confidence in using these modalities for health and healing continues to increase daily. I'm so excited about the changes I am witnessing in myself and my kids. I hope that someday soon I am in a position to use this knowledge and skill set in helping others achieve health and wholeness. I consider myself incredibly blessed to have the right people in my life to coach and mentor me along this path. Their input in my life personally and professionally has been a gift for which no words can come close to explaining my gratitude.
On a more discouraging note, we are getting closer to the one year anniversary of Braden's 'home going' as our pastor puts it. It definitely has been harder emotionally for us and more so as each day grows closer to the one year mark. While we cognitively acknowledge that Braden is in a better place, the pain of losing him still deeply stings our souls. It hurts deeply. And to say that it hurts deeply still doesn't come close to describing the depth of that pain. Along with our pain (Alan and Lisa), Alex has been having uncontrollable panic attacks. They started a month ago-at least on a regular basis. He is afraid he is going to stop breathing and die. I feel incredibly helpless as a parent in helping him through these moments, especially when he's crying and sobbing through it too. They occur at bedtime mostly and originally triggered because Braden stopped breathing in his sleep. Alex has anxiety that it will happen to him.
But thank the Lord that Alex has a couple amazing Christian therapists who've been able to talk with him and work on him about his anxiety. He was able to take one big step forward this week with one of them. However, the panic attack morphed into a new kind of panic attack the next day. His brain is working overtime in certain anatomical regions, putting him on high alert. I continue to trust that his therapists will be able to help him work through it and utilize the tools that God has entrusted to them to facilitate change in him. It's another opportunity for me to grow in knowledge in helping others recover from trauma.
Some of you also heard about the disappointment we experienced about Alan's job review last week, despite a phenomenal job he did at work last year, including playing a key role in a new software platform the corporation is rolling out nationwide. Can you imagine the disappointment to hear from your manager that you were 'a slam dunk' to receive a 4 (out of 5) prior to your son's death last year, that managers couldn't believe how well you were able to do your job despite the tragedy in your personal life, but in kindness didn't feel like you could be entrusted with more responsibility and then not get a merit increase? And by the way, this is the second year in a row since starting this job that he hasn't had a merit increase. Finally, to top that off, the company is rolling in $12 billion dollars in profit this year-I know because my brother works for the same company, different division, and many people received significant increases in salary. So yes-hardship continues in our family on all fronts.
I'm doing my best to stay grounded and continue to run the race that's set before me, despite my circumstances. I am incredibly thankful for those who have sent a note in the mail, emailed me, etc. recently to let me know they are aware that the one year anniversary is approaching and that we are in your thoughts and prayers. We continue to need all the support and love that others are able to give to us at this time. If anyone feels led to spend time in person with me the week of March 11th, please contact me. I don't expect anyone to know what to say-I just need to have the physical support of friendship, of walking beside me. I know that I have 'homework' from God in that He's asked me to spend some time working on a timeline of my life. I also need strength to begin work on writing Braden's story. You see I have a story to tell-a beautiful journey from death to life that I was able to play a amazing role in. I'm hoping I have the courage and the words to write that story and to do it well.
All my love dear friends,
Lisa
