Happy Birthday little B

Today is what would have been Braden's 5th birthday.  The past few days have had me mulling over memories of the days and hours before Braden was born.  His arrival into this world was not according to our timing or that of the maternal fetal medicine doctors either.  But, it was one of great joy and expectancy.

I will never forget the devastation I felt driving home from my routine four month ultrasound with all the 'worst case scenario' propositions planted in my head by the geneticist and fetal medicine doctor-he would be severely retarded; he would have physical disabilities; etc. I was absolutely apalled that they would suggest we could 'terminate the pregnancy'.  After all don't doctors take an oath to 'do no harm'??  You see they were talking to the wrong woman.  My faith in God far surpasses any human (doctor or not), any circumstance and situation.  My job is to be faithful with what I was being entrusted.  And later in my pregnancy, God showed me that He was calling me to be Braden's mom.  Having a child with special needs is a calling-not something for everyone. 

After the initial shock, God faithfully provided for our needs.  I was able to benefit from CranioSacral therapy with Alex's therapist and it was a HUGE turning point for me emotionally.  I don't think I'll ever forget the amount of pure joy that flooded my heart following the loving, hands on treatment at the beginning of my last trimester.  God's grace is amazing.  My heart was turned around and flipped inside out.  My perspective was brand new and I had the courage, peace and trust that everything would work out fine.  My feelings were confirmed at one of my last doctor visits with the doctor who would eventually be the doctor on call the evening Braden was ready to be born.  Together with this doctor we discussed plans for monitoring his head growth weekly and planning for a mid-July C-section.  We had set a date.

But then at the end of eight months gestation, Logan had contracted Fifths Disease with fever and redness all over.  I had been exposed to him and called the clinic, making an appointment.  I didn't feel 'right' but didn't have a fever or redness.  I went in for a check up and lab work and my suspicions were confirmed-Yep, I too had Fifths Disease.  It is fatal to the baby if you contract it during the first or early second trimesters of pregnancy.  I was told there was nothing I needed to do other than take it easy and baby would be fine.  That was the last week of June before the July 4th holiday week.

We celebrated Alan's birthday on July 1st and I was intent on getting my suitcase ready for the hospital-after all I had 3 more weeks right?  I had just about everything except a summer robe for the hospital.  To celebrate Independence Day, we took the boys to the annual July 3rd Bloomington fireworks and had a great time.  The next morning we decided to take them out to breakfast at Perkins.  In the entrance there was one of those coin operated 'claw' machines that teases all kids to play and take home a stuffed animal.  When we were done eating, I followed the boys back out to that machine while Alan paid our bill.  A nice elderly man came up and asked the boys if they'd like something from inside.  Well of course they did!  He was successful on the first two of three attempts and they left with two stuffed animals-a bright yellow spotted leopard and a black and white panda bear holding a red heart.  They made sure to put them both inside Braden's crib (already assembled) when we arrived back home.  I made another trip to the mall later in the afternoon and failed at my mission to find a robe.  I would have to continue my search the next day.

On the morning of July 5th, Alan decided to finally tackle a painting project on our small deck that he'd not been able to get to for some time.  After a brunch with the kids I felt really tired and decided to watch a movie with the kids while laying on the couch.  I had been up at least once to go to the bathroom and returned to my time relaxing with the boys.  Later in the afternoon I repositioned myself and felt like I needed to go back to the bathroom.  Upon turning in that split second I KNEW I did NOT need to go to the bathroom and leaped off the couch faster than any late term pregnant woman could go.  I sped to the bathroom and just as I got there my water broke.  I yelled at the kids to get dad ASAP!  I had to yell to him with paintbrush in hands and in the middle of painting the deck railing that we needed to get to the hospital ASAP.  He was totally caught off guard and I had him call my brother-who incidentally had plans to go have dinner at a friends house up in Maple Grove.  We caught him just in time as they were preparing to leave.  They graciously changed plans to come over and stay with the boys while Alan took me to the hospital.  While waiting for Alan to clean up, I reminded him to call the hospital and give the heads up call so they'd be ready for us.  We were already set for the NICU team and had established a birth plan in the previous weeks. 

We arrived at the hospital and I was immediately hooked up to monitors and was told that the doctor on call was the same doctor who gave me the good prognosis almost a month before.  I was ecstatic that he would be the delivering doctor.  In the operating room there was a whole team of medical professionals waiting for Braden.  He was delivered around 8:28pm and at first had a weak cry but then finally did cry.  He had great APGAR scores after a minute and did not need to be hooked up to any machines.  I remember being so thankful that he was able to avoid all that.  He was doing great and because the NICU was so full of preemies, he had his own little room adjacent to the larger NICU room where all the babies were held in one big space.

I just knew in my heart that Braden would far surpass any and all of the possibilities laid on us in that initial ultrasound.  In his short little life, he continued to do more of the same-he conquered so much and exceeded expectations for his growth and development.  Again, my thoughts on his intelligence and capabilities were confirmed by Dr. Svetlana Masgutova at a short MNRI evaluation only weeks before his shunt failed.  She told me he was an incredibly bright boy based on her full assessment and I left feeling so encouraged at the possibilities for his future.  It just makes me want to encourage other moms who have the unfortunate predicament of dealing with challenges.  It's so worth it to take the high road (not the easy road) come what may and in the end you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.  So much recovery and healing is available on this side of heaven-explore it to your fullest abilities.  I have no regrets that I have done that and continue to do that for Alexander.

Our hearts have grown a million times bigger because of all the joy and happiness he brought to our lives on a daily basis.  He is now finally whole and complete, having an awesome time in heaven.  We look forward to that reunion we will have with him one day and trust God for redemption of a childhood that was cut way too short.

Much love-

It's been a long time since I've had time to sit down and collect my thoughts to write online.  It has been a challenging couple of years with the last two being the toughest.  Everyone around you moves on in life and you are just left there alone in your grieving process still trying to do your best to parent the remaining children you have left (and they have no shortage of needs either).   There is no practical support for our marriage-which has struggled and over 80% of couples with special needs kids end up in divorce; for our personal respite from parenting a teen with special needs or for the siblings who DESPERATELY need a break from their special needs teenage brother.  We are all so focused on our own families and busy ourselves with many things that Oswald Chambers would say are the 'urgent' things in life-we miss the most important things in life.  As a family with a special needs child, we are limited and life is experienced in a different way.  There have been a number of times as a special needs parent that I would find myself wishing we could serve others or participate in activities or events that other families do-but that's not our reality.  I'd love to invite my friends and their families or my neighbors over but have hesitation in doing so.  We have appreciated the few times that others have invited us over and have shown hospitality to us-it's something we'd love to reciprocate but have difficulty doing so.

I have done my personal best to 'bloom' where I've been 'planted', accepting the circumstances and situation in life that we continually strive to move through.  If you would have asked me even three years ago about finding God's blessing in my life, I would have struggled to come up with answers.  I have been processing at a deeper level the fact that we all mentally know that God's ways are higher than ours-but I'm beginning to understand that fully.  We have a tendency to believe that 'blessing' implies positive, good, fruitful things in our lives.  We are so wrong about that.  The hardest things in life are equally if not more of a blessing than the good.  We should be able to be thankful in ALL circumstances.  Typically, feelings want to dictate anything but thankfulness. We fail to realize that those dark, ugly things in life can bring us the closest to God and open new opportunities to grow closer to Him and allow Him to work more deeply in and through us.  He is counting EVERY tear we shed and someday there will be a reward.

Everyday I wake up and am grateful for God's grace and provision of dear friends (also private therapists) who have facilitated healing in my life and the kids through their hands, the Holy Spirit and the various techniques God has imparted to them to help us in our healing journey and to grow.  Taking it a step further, God has also been equipping me for personal growth and also to support what he is doing in the life of my family, typically coming from hands on work on my massage table.  It's not surprising though that because of all the great 'work' God is doing in and through me and the kids that we are spiritually attacked on every side.  I am continually having to face people and situations who have no regard for me, my feelings or those of my kids and yet I feel this inexpressible expectation that it's incumbent upon me to be the 'better person'.  I can't begin to describe the anger and rage I feel when others who have not walked a day in my 'shoes' and have had to experience the full range of experiences and emotions, want to tell me that I'm the one in the situation who needs to respond better.  I'm guessing that's because there is a false belief that Satan wants to impart to everyone that if you are a 'Christian' you 'should' be perfect and have a stereotyped, scripted response.  The truth is that we are still human, have our own feelings, and are simply forgiven-not perfect.  Standing on positional truths about my identity in Christ has been liberating during these times.

I choose as an act of my will to forgive others who hurt me and choose not to let the things of the past continue to drag me down.  So many of us hold onto bitterness, anger, resentment, etc. that came as a result of someone else and fail to realize that if we never work through that and let it ALL go, we will continue to struggle.  I've also learned the past few years that our physical bodies are absolutely amazing.  If we have unresolved issues from our past they will manifest in physical symptoms and disease-another excellent reason to seek out full and complete healing.  I may not have an M.D., or a P.T, M.eD, or a D.O.C. licensure after my name but after spending half a day with me you will see that I have all that and more.  I have been on the road less traveled all these years.  If there's been one thing that's been clear to me lately is that no matter what it has been in my life that has a 'formula' (home business, raising a family, pursuing my dreams), the path I have to take is not the same path as everyone else.  When I graduated high school I wanted to be a doctor.  Little did I know that the way I'd get to that goal would not be the 'typical' path most follow to obtaining that title.  Even if I never get a license or an actual 'title', I know that I have the gifts and talents to achieve the same thing based on my own study and treatment within my family.  Someday I will be facilitating treatment and healing for others who need it.

As we approach what would have been Braden's 5th birthday next week, I would ask that you would keep Alan, me, Alex, Logan and Evan in your prayers.  We just became an aunt, uncle and cousins to twins last week and there is an opportunity for more healing but that is not dependent upon us.  How do you journey through grief when there is something new happening in your extended family and you aren't sure that you are a welcome part of that?  As we do every year since his passing, our family celebrates Braden's birthday and the short time we had with him on this earth.  We have dedicated the first week of July to his memory and it is a very sacred time of year for the Reddings.  I hope if you feel compelled to share a word of encouragement that you refrain from trite words with good intention i.e. 'he's in a better place', etc.  We are grateful for support and prayers in any form.