Today is what would have been Braden's 5th birthday. The past few days have had me mulling over memories of the days and hours before Braden was born. His arrival into this world was not according to our timing or that of the maternal fetal medicine doctors either. But, it was one of great joy and expectancy.
I will never forget the devastation I felt driving home from my routine four month ultrasound with all the 'worst case scenario' propositions planted in my head by the geneticist and fetal medicine doctor-he would be severely retarded; he would have physical disabilities; etc. I was absolutely apalled that they would suggest we could 'terminate the pregnancy'. After all don't doctors take an oath to 'do no harm'?? You see they were talking to the wrong woman. My faith in God far surpasses any human (doctor or not), any circumstance and situation. My job is to be faithful with what I was being entrusted. And later in my pregnancy, God showed me that He was calling me to be Braden's mom. Having a child with special needs is a calling-not something for everyone.
After the initial shock, God faithfully provided for our needs. I was able to benefit from CranioSacral therapy with Alex's therapist and it was a HUGE turning point for me emotionally. I don't think I'll ever forget the amount of pure joy that flooded my heart following the loving, hands on treatment at the beginning of my last trimester. God's grace is amazing. My heart was turned around and flipped inside out. My perspective was brand new and I had the courage, peace and trust that everything would work out fine. My feelings were confirmed at one of my last doctor visits with the doctor who would eventually be the doctor on call the evening Braden was ready to be born. Together with this doctor we discussed plans for monitoring his head growth weekly and planning for a mid-July C-section. We had set a date.
But then at the end of eight months gestation, Logan had contracted Fifths Disease with fever and redness all over. I had been exposed to him and called the clinic, making an appointment. I didn't feel 'right' but didn't have a fever or redness. I went in for a check up and lab work and my suspicions were confirmed-Yep, I too had Fifths Disease. It is fatal to the baby if you contract it during the first or early second trimesters of pregnancy. I was told there was nothing I needed to do other than take it easy and baby would be fine. That was the last week of June before the July 4th holiday week.
We celebrated Alan's birthday on July 1st and I was intent on getting my suitcase ready for the hospital-after all I had 3 more weeks right? I had just about everything except a summer robe for the hospital. To celebrate Independence Day, we took the boys to the annual July 3rd Bloomington fireworks and had a great time. The next morning we decided to take them out to breakfast at Perkins. In the entrance there was one of those coin operated 'claw' machines that teases all kids to play and take home a stuffed animal. When we were done eating, I followed the boys back out to that machine while Alan paid our bill. A nice elderly man came up and asked the boys if they'd like something from inside. Well of course they did! He was successful on the first two of three attempts and they left with two stuffed animals-a bright yellow spotted leopard and a black and white panda bear holding a red heart. They made sure to put them both inside Braden's crib (already assembled) when we arrived back home. I made another trip to the mall later in the afternoon and failed at my mission to find a robe. I would have to continue my search the next day.
On the morning of July 5th, Alan decided to finally tackle a painting project on our small deck that he'd not been able to get to for some time. After a brunch with the kids I felt really tired and decided to watch a movie with the kids while laying on the couch. I had been up at least once to go to the bathroom and returned to my time relaxing with the boys. Later in the afternoon I repositioned myself and felt like I needed to go back to the bathroom. Upon turning in that split second I KNEW I did NOT need to go to the bathroom and leaped off the couch faster than any late term pregnant woman could go. I sped to the bathroom and just as I got there my water broke. I yelled at the kids to get dad ASAP! I had to yell to him with paintbrush in hands and in the middle of painting the deck railing that we needed to get to the hospital ASAP. He was totally caught off guard and I had him call my brother-who incidentally had plans to go have dinner at a friends house up in Maple Grove. We caught him just in time as they were preparing to leave. They graciously changed plans to come over and stay with the boys while Alan took me to the hospital. While waiting for Alan to clean up, I reminded him to call the hospital and give the heads up call so they'd be ready for us. We were already set for the NICU team and had established a birth plan in the previous weeks.
We arrived at the hospital and I was immediately hooked up to monitors and was told that the doctor on call was the same doctor who gave me the good prognosis almost a month before. I was ecstatic that he would be the delivering doctor. In the operating room there was a whole team of medical professionals waiting for Braden. He was delivered around 8:28pm and at first had a weak cry but then finally did cry. He had great APGAR scores after a minute and did not need to be hooked up to any machines. I remember being so thankful that he was able to avoid all that. He was doing great and because the NICU was so full of preemies, he had his own little room adjacent to the larger NICU room where all the babies were held in one big space.
I just knew in my heart that Braden would far surpass any and all of the possibilities laid on us in that initial ultrasound. In his short little life, he continued to do more of the same-he conquered so much and exceeded expectations for his growth and development. Again, my thoughts on his intelligence and capabilities were confirmed by Dr. Svetlana Masgutova at a short MNRI evaluation only weeks before his shunt failed. She told me he was an incredibly bright boy based on her full assessment and I left feeling so encouraged at the possibilities for his future. It just makes me want to encourage other moms who have the unfortunate predicament of dealing with challenges. It's so worth it to take the high road (not the easy road) come what may and in the end you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. So much recovery and healing is available on this side of heaven-explore it to your fullest abilities. I have no regrets that I have done that and continue to do that for Alexander.
Our hearts have grown a million times bigger because of all the joy and happiness he brought to our lives on a daily basis. He is now finally whole and complete, having an awesome time in heaven. We look forward to that reunion we will have with him one day and trust God for redemption of a childhood that was cut way too short.
Much love-
