I am so appreciative of everyone's patience (if you are following my blog entries). Last week was extremely difficult for me both emotionally and physically on top of the daily busy-ness that defines our family's schedule.
After completing a four day class in Cranial Sacral Therapy in mid-May, my body went through a major detox for almost six days-I felt physically horrible and wasn't able to eat much. Just as I was on the 'mend' I came down with a small head cold. Thankfully the boys were never sick.
Last Monday was the first day that I was home alone for the first time since Braden's death knowing that family wouldn't be coming over and I wouldn't be 'busy' going places. My heart has started the painful emotional process of the grieving. Braden brought so much 'life' to my heart while he was here at home with me. The house felt so empty with everyone gone to school and work. Until now I have been too busy and not really felt emotionally ready to go through Braden's books and toys. I'm sure part of leaving his belongings around is my subconscious way of self comforting having small small pieces left here of him. It's been difficult not to feel many feelings of regret as his mother. I regret being so busy caring for my other kids or attending to more 'administrative' details for him and Alex that I neglected to spend real, quality time with Braden. Sure he had a personal care attendant helping me out with him but it pains my heart beyond words to know that she was able to share many daily life moments with him that I did not. I am completely secure in knowing that he loved me with all his heart. I am comforted in knowing that his first complete sentence was "Mommy I love you!".
I was also made aware last week through the loving support of friends that not only do I need to work through post traumatic stress but that I'm holding anger subconsciously. I can honestly say that while I don't have feelings of anger, my mind has a lot of angry thoughts. I am struggling to make mental peace with knowing that his shunt failure was supernaturally rare. Braden did not have classical shunt failure signs and symptoms that were obvious to us. Additionally, his surgeon said a shunt failure leading to death within hours is extremely rare and if that's not enough-I found out two weeks ago in talking to his pediatrician that the company who manufactures his shunt has had absolutely NO reports of ANY problems or failures including fatalities. Braden is their first fatality on that particular shunt. It brought both Alan and I to a place last week where the utter lack of control in life was so obvious.
We are not angry at God but feel disappointment and discouragement with God. Especially knowing that many people were praying for him, including us and our miracle never came. Upon further reflection last week it occurred to me that God also said 'No' to prayers lifted up prior to Braden's birth when we had to deal with the difficult discovery of his hydrocephalus. I think it's been fair to say for both Alan and me that God has not made himself known to us personally as "Healer".
I think Braden's untimely death just seems to underscore how much we don't have control in our own lives. You see Braden was not a planned child for us and it meant big adjustment in our lives which we welcomed. But then we had the news that he was not going to be a 'healthy' child. Then toward the end of my pregnancy we set a date for his birth only to experience that yet again the timing was not up to us. Braden did not arrive on this Earth according to man's planning and scheduling. Despite the special care and love he received and the amazing progress he was having he died. Yet again a real smack of the reality in life that we are not in control.
I have also been touched by the few people who have graciously given financial gifts to support Alex going to therapy camp in July. Our deadline to have the money in is JUNE 20. Some have passed word to me that they plan to give and I am so appreciative. So far I am aware that out of our need for $8000 we have $250 already sent in for donations. We have a ways to go but I know that God has a plan for Alex to go to camp. I am hoping to give God another chance in showing me that healing is possible in our family if not for Braden for his brother Alex. Alexander's brain was affected by a lack of oxygen at birth that has contributed to dysfunctional and pathological reflex patterns. His biggest issue right now is like a giant mountain hindering a life with incredible potential. He is incredibly smart and bright. I know for myself I need to hear God saying "Yes" right now with all that I'm going through.
Thank you for investing in our journey friends.
Love Lisa
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