Well I felt a little disappointed that we weren't able to find the time this past weekend to go see Braden's grave site. The cemetary had called us last Friday morning with the news that Braden's grave marker had been installed. It seems like it's taken forever for it to be delivered and put in. I didn't feel like it was worth my time to visit his grave site without the marker there. Alan has started meeting with a Stephen's Minister from our church and he suggested we might want to visit the first time without the boys. I guess for me that wouldn't feel right. I told the boys that his marker was in and that we would try to go visit this past weekend. They were a little disappointed last night that we didn't get to go but that was mainly due to the fact we had promised after visiting the cemetary we'd go to the big park (Chutes & Ladders) practically across the road. I told Alan it would be nice for us to go visit in a few days when our 90 degree hot spell is over.
Logan is signed up for two nights a week of Bloomington boys baseball (which keeps us busy through July during the weeknights) and in a few weeks Alex will start adaptive softball another night of the week. It's hard to believe that this is the last week of school-I know the boys are anxious to be done for a while. Alex has increased anxiety over being home with siblings for a few weeks because he loses the opportunity that school provides to give him a break from his home life and they can provide him with a consistent schedule. It's hard to know how losing a brother has affected them because they don't openly discuss their feelings and especially so around Braden's death. I continue ot keep my eyes open and have it on my 'to do' list to look into children's grief groups. We were told at the hospital that kids don't have difficulty until (on average) six months from the initial event. That is a blessing in my mind-I know that I am not doing the best lately.
I am thankful that they each have a few things this summer to keep them busy. Every circumstance that comes along these days seems to have a much greater impact on me emotionally than it typically would otherwise. I'm an incredibly patient and long-suffering person. However, the added stresses make it feel a thousand times harder to handle and cope. Added stresses for us includes parenting three boys who struggle to get along with one another. Most days lately I feel like running away and not coming back for a while. However, the reality is that I can't. I was able to take both Evan and Logan out for dinner last Friday night while Alan took Alex to a church social outing. It felt like it took everything in me to have the energy to come home and spend time playing a game with them. The pain of losing my 'baby' has set in like a thick cloud. I have been thankful to have a few days each week to have been out of the house for a few hours helping my friends at Valeo Health & Wellness. Being surrounded by such warm and wonderful people has helped lift me up. I'm trying to figure out how I can continue that over the summer months with summer break.
I continue to have people tell me in conversation that they are 'amazed' at how I'm keeping things together and that they 'don't know how (I) do it.' I can honestly say that without my personal faith in Christ I wouldn't be able 'to do it.' I am continually relying on prayer and the prayer support of others. I am trusting in a provision of grace, strength and an awareness of His love in my life. I continue to seek the fellowship and support of friends. I also have plans to meet with a Stephen's Minister from our church for the first time this week. I am hoping that we connect well. I had asked to meet with someone who has walked in at least one of the 'shoes' that I've had to walk in in life. I realize that I can't do it alone. It's been easy for us to isolate ourselves over the years with our unique family situation but it's come at a cost. Most of it was not by choice-what do you do when your church says they aren't able to help your child attend Sunday School? When you feel you've maximized your resources and your child is still struggling? You manage to do your best despite the circumstances.
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