Randomness

I was having a hard time trying to come up with a title for my blog entry this week but as I sit and reflect on a few things I've been thinking, reading, and meditating on the word 'Random' and it ironically hits the mark! 

I will admit that last week was especially tough for us emotionally with what would have been Braden's birthday.  Then things got a little tougher for me last Thursday as I received a call from Logan's Pediatric G/I doctor at the U.  Logan's endoscopic biopsy of his small intestine was consistent with Celiac's Disease.  I felt completely overwhelmed and wanted to run away from home which includes my responsibilities as a mother and wife.  I have already had Alex on a gluten and dairy free diet for over a year now, but honestly being on a gluten free diet is incredibly expensive.  The only way to try and save money is to invest much time in buying alternative ingredients and doing a lot more cooking from scratch.  I love to cook so that's not the problem. It's the time factor involved- I am simply emotionally exhausted and knowing that I have to summon up the extra energy to delve into finding new recipes that will work but most importantly taste good feels overwhelming right now.  Gluten free food has come a long way in the past six years since I first experimented with it on Alex.  However, it's still not quite the same taste or texture.  Logan is taking the news better than I thought he would.  While the doctor told us there is no 'cure' for Celiac's Disease I felt blessed to hear today from our Naturopath that healing from Celiac IS possible and that at his age he's more likely to regain his health if we follow specific steps.  But for the more immediate time being, we are gradually transitioning him to gluten free foods and making sure there is no contamination of shared surfaces.  The doctor said that contamination from microscopic particles, over time, can actually lead to cancer and other organ failure.  Because of his diagnosis, the rest of us have to be tested.  So far Evan was completely negative and while I had a low number on the test it was within the 'normal' range.  As a mom it's hard for me not to feel responsible for his illness.  I have taken great pride in buying food for my family that is natural or organic and without added fillers, colors and preservatives.  I have also invested some time and money the past few summers to buy a farm share so that we can have fresh food every week.  I have carefully monitored what goes in their mouths and try hard to really limit the junk.  I am humbled it just wasn't enough for him.

I think it's fair to say that last week I was shouting at heaven asking for a break from what felt like a continuum of trials.  I have been trying hard to refrain from thoughts and feelings of self pity.  I have tried my best to take things as they come and perservere.  After all, isn't that the 'mandate' we have as Christians?  I mean doesn't Jesus say in the New Testament that if anyone is to come after Him they are to deny themselves, pick up their 'cross' and follow after Him?  Someone I know from college posted this the other day on their Facebook wall:  Jesus never said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take his cross and then he'll lead a happy, safe, and comfortable life."  I totally agree however it's hard not to feel like a modern day Job at times.  My intention is not live as a martyr but I hope that somehow through the difficult life circumstances I've had to go through that it will have an impact on others.  The only thing that brings me comfort is to know that my life can point others to my Savior.  I know that God heard me because the book of Joshua in the Old Testament was brought to mind.  For a time when we attended Grace Church right before and just after Braden was born, there was a guest pastor whose sermons took us through the entire book.  At that time, the messages brought encouragement on a difficult journey and hope for the road ahead.  As I opened my Bible and began to read the first chapter I couldn't help but notice the commands given to Joshua leaping off the page at me.  He was exhorted not once but THREE times to be 'strong and courageous' and in the second command the word 'very' was added.  For a few days that brought some encouragement.  You do everything you can as a parent but things like medical diagnoses of Autism or Celiac and shunts failing for no apparent reason feel so 'random'.  My perspective was challenged today.  I read in A Grace Disguised the following:

(about the author's reflections on the Old Testament story of Joseph) "Still, even within the limits of his lifetime Joseph understands enough to  say to his brothers, 'You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...' Joseph acknowledges that great evil was done against him; but he also believes in the face of that evil that God's grace has triumphed over it.  He recognizes in the unfolding of his life that God is good in ways he could not see earlier.  The Joseph story helps us to see that our own tragedies can be a very bad chapter in a very good book.  The terror of randomness is enveloped by the mysterious purposes of God.  In the end, life turns out to be good, although the journey to get there may be circuitous and difficult."

And then in addition to reading that, I read an online devotional today on Naomi's perspective on her situation in the book of Ruth.  Naomi (after losing her husband and sons) had "perceived destitution bred palpable desperation" and "Her tomorrows were grim. Bleak days awaited till death reached out its welcomed hand. If only she had known: the answer to her Why? valiantly fought to walk alongside faithfully. Ready to reap a harvest of salvation. Yet Naomi kicked scorn and anger around, rejecting Ruth and redemption. When brick walls are hit, ropes frayed, moments blank, remember...though unseen, God works on our behalf always. And rescue may come in unexpected form. Embrace His plan, return to Him and take heart.  The place you fear will be the death of you, may be the place you reap new life." 

God was transcendent in Naomi's life-He was already at work in the bigger picture making sure she would be taken care of for the rest of her earthly life.  She just couldn't see it. 

Reading the thoughts of these two authors today spoke volumes to me and reminded me that my life's story is in the process of being written.  Continue to be patient and trust.  The events of my life are not 'random' but accomplishing a far greater purpose than my limited human perspective can see at the moment.  I continue to hope that the pain I have to experience and feel will make me a person of great compassion and depth.  My journeys have taken me on the 'Road Less Traveled' for sure.  At times it's been lonely and one I would not have chosen for myself.  I am thankful for those who have joined me on my journey and who accept me for who I am.